Thursday, March 4, 2010

Now: Fashion trends I don't understand

In my quest for a few new wardrobe pieces recently, I was annoyed and disturbed by most of the new trends. Here are a few examples.

Shirt Styles:
1. Loose, Shapeless, Muted color, Hippie Print (Paisley, Floral)
I wouldn't even wear this frumpy sag-fest as pajamas on laundry day. The other variation I saw of this was with a muted, half-bleached tie-dye pattern. Equally barf-tastic.

2. Ridiculous Ruffles.
The only ruffles I generally approve of are on potato chips. But a tiny bit of ruffle on shirts/skirts can be pulled off in moderation. But right now the big thing is shirts, dresses, and skirts entirely made of ruffles. It doesn't even look good on the hanger, much less any human being. Even this scrawny model looks like a flapper version of the Michelin Man in a shirt made of ruffles. Yet for some reason shirts like this are everywhere right now so someone must be under the impression that looking ripply and wide is appealing. Although I do get a giggle picturing someone wearing these on a windy day and flapping everywhere.

3. Loose, flyaway layers

Along the same lines as the layered ruffles but instead it's just hangy fabric. Another garment not great for windy days and especially unflattering. You may as well just wrap a bed sheet around yourself like a toga, that may even be more flattering to your figure than these tit curtains. Unless you're into looking pregnant. This type of style particularly annoys me when it's in the plus size stores that I shop at. We look big enough as it is, why are you trying to sell us loose-hangy clothing that makes our curves disappear by pitching a circus tent over them and instead makes us look wider? If this style would suit anyone it would be super-skinny types who want to give the appearance of more bulk.
4. High Neckline, Banded Bottom

This is actually two separate problems that work together to create one hot mess. I am adamantly anti-turtleneck and high neckline in general unless you're trying to hide a hickey. That part is just personal preference because I think it makes everyone look old, boring, and un-sexy. But that combined with the new trend of banded bottom shirts/dresses makes you look like a mushroom. Why would you want a big, saggy roll of fabric at the end of your shirt? Some of the loose hangy shirts make you look like you're pregnant, this style makes it looks like you were pregnant and deflated like a balloon afterward. This particular shirt makes me want to barf in every way possible. A pile of ruffle on the boob, high neckline on a sleeveless shirt, and banded bottom. Oh... and it's pastelly pink... but again, personal bias there.
1. The Return of the Dreaded STIRRUP PANTS!!!
Okay guys, I seriously thought this was a joke when I saw these on the racks again. These weren't even attractive if you were a gymnast in the 80s. They make everyone top heavy, they are uncomfortable with any shoes, they leave lines on your feet, and they will never be attractive. Gross.

2. Harem Pants
Your vag doesn't need that much breathing room, and if it does, that's more unfortunate than the fact that you're wearing them. Unless you're starring in Aladdin, or you're MC Hammer for Halloween, you probably shouldn't be wearing Harem Pants. They are downright unflattering in every way. And suggestive saggy crotch says all sorts of effed up things about you.

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