Sunday, August 1, 2010

Hello "Jersey Chic" R.I.P Fashion


Words that don't belong in the same sentence as Jersey: Style, Chic, Couture, Tasteful, Attractive
Ever since the inexplicable popularity of shows like Jersey Shore and Real Housewives of New Jersey there has been a scary shift in fashion trends spawning new Jersey themed shows promoting the Jersey look (i.e. Jerseylicious, Jersey Couture)
Unless it's Halloween and I'm doing so in parody/jest I would not be caught dead dressing myself like the fools and tools on Jersey Shore.
In previous blogs I've mentioned the horrors of chunky highlights and bumpit hair. Combine that with bad weaves, orange tans, hair grease, miniskirts, giant hoops, ed hardy and an overdose of animal print and you've got the douchiest fashion trainwreck of all time.












Honestly... if you're looking at these women and you are even remotely aroused there's something wrong with you. They are orange, their hair is fake and crunchy, and their lips look invisible. I have a real problem with light lipstick/lip color lighter than skin color. It makes everyone who does it look like an emaciated fish prostitute.

Why does anyone look up to these people or find them remotely amusing? Fake boobs, fake tan, fake hair...
I'm surprised Snooki can breathe in that way too tight outfit... and with those fakies almost hitting her in the face. These gweedos they are with look like Tool Academy dropouts with plastic ken doll hair. The one next to Snooki (I don't know their names because I don't watch that garbage) looks like he's deliberately trying to shape his hair like Bart Simpson's. Pretty gross. No self-respecting woman would hit that.

If you have any sense, taste, or personal style whatsoever please avoid this trend like the plague it is.

Over and outta hea!

Thursday, June 10, 2010

Say No to Grandma Floral

Don't take this out of context now. It's true that I'm not generally a huge fan of floral anyway, but there's a way it can be done right. With the right color palette, spacing, size and/or pattern floral can be stylish and flattering. But trending now is what I call the dreaded grandma floral. No offense to grandmas and their tastes. If you're a grandma or want to look like one, you're trendy now. Enjoy it while it lasts.
How to spot grandma floral:
If the pattern reminds you of any of the following - Sunday school dresses, your grandmother's furniture and/or wallpaper, doilys, a sentimental hallmark card, kleenex boxes, stories about the great depression...
... you've been grandma'd.
There's a line I draw with floral because it can easily become age-inappropriate. Too old and too young are very similar with floral. If it looks like something grandma made for you when you were a kid, it's probably age inappropriate. The embroidered pastelly floral and the wallpapery faux-painted floral look usually fall into this category.
There are more clean-lined, modern looking floral patters that are perfectly acceptable. A lot of the time it will be very sparse floral rather than a wallpapered look. Or the color pallette will be limited to 2 or 3 tones or a variety of shades of the same color as opposed to a busy all-over-the-spectrum mix.
There is a middle ground as well where it gets iffy. Some older looking floral patterns, if paired with the right colors/pieces/accessories/etc can be pulled off well. But some are really just stand-out ugly in my book.

If my explanation falls short for you, here are some examples of good vs bad floral.

Good Floral:

Coupled with the striped pattern in a simple two-toned color palette, this skirt is a perfect blend of modern and vintage floral. It isn't busy or overly distracting and can be easily matched with a complementary solid toned top.

A modern twist on floral with bold red and white color palette. It pops but would add to rather than distract from the overall outfit. The pattern is interesting and free-form not repeated like wallpaper. Some skirts that have really bold patterns repeat them and it causes an optical illusion effect that is hard on the eyes... something to look out for.

A graphic print, simple, black and white with a pop of color. The pattern repeats but not in a predictable or symmetrical way so it's more interesting. It is similar to the way striped patterns work, by creating a pattern with varying sizes of lines and space between the lines, it makes for a more visually appealing overall look.


Grandma Floral:
This reminds me of the wallpaper at my dentist's office. Anything that is comparable to tacky wallpaper is usually a "bad" floral. We all loved the golden girls but we don't need to look like them.

Oh my grandma has those curtains too! Did Fraulein Maria make you some play clothes while your father was out of town with the Baroness?

I had a Sunday school dress that looked like this in 1989. It had shoulder pads and a white collar that resembled a doily... I looked like a Woolworth's lampshade in it. The pastelly rainbow easter-egg color palette, the wallpapery repetition, and the faux-painted look make this skirt the ultimate NO. No amount of accessorizing will save this skirt.

Friday, April 9, 2010

This is NEVER acceptable

Whoever decided it was a good idea to try to sell rompers and jumpsuits to adult women this season should be fired and banned from the fashion world forever. It's tacky, unflattering and just plain WRONG no matter what size/body type you are. And who wants to get naked every time they have to use the restroom?

Most of the dress section at Lane Bryant for a while was rompers and jumpsuits. They are now all in the sale/clearance section with all the hideous dresses that no one wants.

Now, Lane Bryant has been going under for some time. They thought they were going to go bankrupt and closed all of their stand alone stores that are not in malls because they weren't making money. You would think that to draw in more customers they'd either have better sales or more desirable fashions... or something. Pants suits/Jumpsuits/Rompers/Whatever you want to call them (I affectionately refer to them as "Shants") are the eternal fashion no-no regardless of trends. They are especially unflattering to plus sized women. As a plus sized gal, I look for clothing that flatters my figure and isn't something my mom dressed me in when I was 5. Rompers and Jumpsuits break both of those rules.

Torrid has also jumped on the jumper for its summer line:
This just hurts my feelings.

Even Wal-Mart and Target are selling jumpers right now! Who is wearing them? No one I've seen so far. Then again, Waukesha Wisconsin is not exactly fashion trend central. But I'm really glad for that if pants suits and jumpers are making a comeback.

Needless to say, anyone who actually buys this crap has questionable taste (to put it lightly) or no sense of style beyond blindly following trends.

Tuesday, March 23, 2010

Annoying Hair Trends

1. The Bumpit
Or as I like to call it... the Sharkie. Why is is supposed to be attractive to look like you have a tall, deformed head?

2. Chunky Highlights/Black and White


I think this stripey crap started with Kate Gosselin's lame hairdon't that became even more popular than crazy breeder shows on TLC. It just looks skunky and fake. I don't get the appeal.
I always get this mental image of Pepe LePew with hearts around his head chasing people with this kind of hair.

Thursday, March 18, 2010

Unfortunate Accessories

Ugly Trend Alert:
The Bib Necklace



I do NOT understand the appeal, if someone could explain to me how this is remotely classy or attractive, I'm all ears.
It looks gaudy and downright hideous. Too much bling... to the point where it actually kind of makes you look like your neck is cut off. I can see wearing something like this as costume jewelry if you're playing Cleopatra.
The shape of the necklaces isn't bad, but at the size they are it almost makes it look like your head is cut off. It's just bizarre, and it also looks uncomfortably heavy.
This jewelry does live up to it's name... it really just looks like a blinged out bib. Why that would be the desired effect is beyond me.

Monday, March 8, 2010

Oscar Nightmares

I always tend to disagree with the fashion critics grades of red carpet fashion. Sometimes I wonder if they're even looking at the same dress. They tend to shit on the classy dresses that are more simple and elegant and are impressed by risk takers that cross the line from creative/interesting risky to downright hideous.

Allison's Worst Dressed list for the 2010 Oscars:

1. Zoe SaidanaThis dress had zero chance of even scoring a C in my book below the waist. It was like two different dresses got sewn together... or a clump of crumpled bathroom rugs/swiffer dusters got sewn to the bottom of a dress. I'm not generally a lavender fan anyway because it's rarely used appropriately... this gown being a prime example. This dress earns a solid F in my book and I think the C grade she was given for taking a risk was far too generous and I can't believe the critics said they actually liked the bottom half of this hot mess.

2. Vera Farmiga


Rufflestilskin! This heavy pile of rumpled fabric made her appear to be a frumpy flower lady. There is nothing flattering about this gown. Definitely a fashion risk, but not one that can be commended for achieving anything other than awkward glances. The matching lipstick didn't help. F

3. Diane Kruger


Nothing against the woman personally, I loved her in Inglourious Basterds, but this dress makes her look like a shapeless, white Christmas tree with poorly wrapped black tinsel. The three tiered look is over-emphasized and segmented into different layers of blah. The first tier with the unflattering high neckline and odd, asymmetrical divide at the bottom flattens her bust and makes her look saggy and awkward. The second tier has too much pile and ruffle, it looks like the type of detailing that belongs at the bottom of a dress if at all, and it makes her appear wider around the middle. The bottom tier seems awkwardly placed and unnecessary. Without it, I think the dress could have had a chance, if the pile and ruffle flowed seamlessly into the train at the bottom it may have been less of a distraction. D-

4. Sarah Jessica Parker
This frump fest was entirely unflattering in every sense. Even with the tanning and caked-on makeup (which was even more terrifying watching it in HD, let me tell you...) the yellowish color of this dress washed her out a bit. But it wasn't the color as much as the cut of the dress that was so unflattering. The dress just hangs loosely from the chest down creating an effect I refer to as "tit curtains." It does nothing for her figure and almost goes to a point at the bottom covering her shoes and making her appear top-heavy. The detached neck strap was rather awkward and she looked really uncomfortable pulling on it all night. Between the bad tan, makeup and dress... I give this ensemble a solid D.

5. Nicole Ritchie
Aside from the fact that I have no idea what she was doing at the Oscars in the first place, she caught me offguard with this horribly unattractive dress. The long dolman sleeves, high neckline, hideous striping, and overkill shine make for a matronly appearance. At first, I actually thought someone took one of those hideous hemp hoodies that dreadlocked hippies wear and sewed sequins to it. Gross. F.

6. Demi Moore
Maybe it's just me, but matching your dress to your skin tone is never a good look. It washes you out and in this case kind of looks like you just sewed on extra skin. Kind of a morbid thought. The design of the dress itself isn't all that bad, and in this picture it looks much better than it did when she was presenting awards on stage. My biggest issue with it besides the matching skin tone was that she looked like she was tightly wrapped into it in the chest region so instead of having boob cleavage she had armpit rolls. C-/D+.

7. Amanda Seyfried
The dress itself is not all that bad in this case, but with her pale skin tone it totally washes her out. Also, this bug-eyed beauty should really wear her hair down rather than in a tightly pulled updo because it makes her head appear very alien/lightbulb. C-

7. Charlize Theron
Although the shape of this dress is flattering, the unnecessary attention drawn to the girls with the giant rose swirls and the sloppy looking extra chunk of train in the back distract from an otherwise acceptable gown. Also the color is a bit light for he skin tone and the bright lip color is a bit much for this getup. Mostly we're all just staring at her boobs. C-

8. Robert Downey Jr.
I know RDJ tends to be off-limits to critcism and praised as "funny," "inspired," and "unique" for doing things like this ... but I call it tacky. He pushes the limits because he has earned the cred. I am all for the sillyness, I'm no hater. But whenever a woman (other than Lady Gaga) pulls this type of outrageous faux-pas for attention they get criticized for it. So in genderblind fairness, I am going to give the same criticism to Robert. This Roger Rabbit meets Pee Wee Herman meets Mr. Magoo getup is not appropriate for the occasion and looks downright goofy. It would be one thing to pull a brightly colored bowtie or odd accessory if the rest of the ensemble was still formal enough to be appropriate for the occasion. But this looks like something you'd wear if you were a prop comic not an A-list celebrity at an award ceremony. Tennis shoes, shiny pants, obnoxious bowtie, bono/harry potter shades? Really? Were the shades really necessary on stage indoors as well, Robert? Everyone seems to think his shit doesn't stink lately so I'm giving him a D for this lazy getup to keep his ego in check ;)


Annoying Trend: Naked Necklines
There is such a thing as too much skin! Not saying we can't have cleavage or sexy necklines, but when there's a low strapless gown and the hair is pulled back, there's a long way from face to cleavage where there's nothing going on without some sort of accent/necklace. A lot of celebs this year looked a little bland in that region. But that doesn't mean you should over-bling. And some dresses are blingy enough on their own so accent jewelry would be overdoing it. Simple earrings are usually better in that case.

Underbling:
Miley's slouchy posture and plain jane dress color made me actually try to mentally visualize some sort of necklace to spice things up. There's so much skin before the dress even starts, somehow she managed to make cleavage boring.

Overbling:
Kathy Ireland's dress was already 100% blinged out without the monstrously sized necklace adding over-the-top bling. The shape of the necklace and the idea of adding a necklace are fine with this dress, just maybe something less giant and shiny.


Annoying Trend #2: Clown Lips
The best example of the too-bright lip tint was Sandra Bullock.
I loved everything else about her outfit, but the lips were obnoxious and didn't match. It actually distracted from her beautiful dress.

Thursday, March 4, 2010

Now: Fashion trends I don't understand

In my quest for a few new wardrobe pieces recently, I was annoyed and disturbed by most of the new trends. Here are a few examples.

Shirt Styles:
1. Loose, Shapeless, Muted color, Hippie Print (Paisley, Floral)
I wouldn't even wear this frumpy sag-fest as pajamas on laundry day. The other variation I saw of this was with a muted, half-bleached tie-dye pattern. Equally barf-tastic.


2. Ridiculous Ruffles.
The only ruffles I generally approve of are on potato chips. But a tiny bit of ruffle on shirts/skirts can be pulled off in moderation. But right now the big thing is shirts, dresses, and skirts entirely made of ruffles. It doesn't even look good on the hanger, much less any human being. Even this scrawny model looks like a flapper version of the Michelin Man in a shirt made of ruffles. Yet for some reason shirts like this are everywhere right now so someone must be under the impression that looking ripply and wide is appealing. Although I do get a giggle picturing someone wearing these on a windy day and flapping everywhere.

3. Loose, flyaway layers

Along the same lines as the layered ruffles but instead it's just hangy fabric. Another garment not great for windy days and especially unflattering. You may as well just wrap a bed sheet around yourself like a toga, that may even be more flattering to your figure than these tit curtains. Unless you're into looking pregnant. This type of style particularly annoys me when it's in the plus size stores that I shop at. We look big enough as it is, why are you trying to sell us loose-hangy clothing that makes our curves disappear by pitching a circus tent over them and instead makes us look wider? If this style would suit anyone it would be super-skinny types who want to give the appearance of more bulk.
4. High Neckline, Banded Bottom

This is actually two separate problems that work together to create one hot mess. I am adamantly anti-turtleneck and high neckline in general unless you're trying to hide a hickey. That part is just personal preference because I think it makes everyone look old, boring, and un-sexy. But that combined with the new trend of banded bottom shirts/dresses makes you look like a mushroom. Why would you want a big, saggy roll of fabric at the end of your shirt? Some of the loose hangy shirts make you look like you're pregnant, this style makes it looks like you were pregnant and deflated like a balloon afterward. This particular shirt makes me want to barf in every way possible. A pile of ruffle on the boob, high neckline on a sleeveless shirt, and banded bottom. Oh... and it's pastelly pink... but again, personal bias there.
Pants:
1. The Return of the Dreaded STIRRUP PANTS!!!
Okay guys, I seriously thought this was a joke when I saw these on the racks again. These weren't even attractive if you were a gymnast in the 80s. They make everyone top heavy, they are uncomfortable with any shoes, they leave lines on your feet, and they will never be attractive. Gross.

2. Harem Pants
Your vag doesn't need that much breathing room, and if it does, that's more unfortunate than the fact that you're wearing them. Unless you're starring in Aladdin, or you're MC Hammer for Halloween, you probably shouldn't be wearing Harem Pants. They are downright unflattering in every way. And suggestive saggy crotch says all sorts of effed up things about you.

Tuesday, February 9, 2010

Unfortunate Prom Dresses



Taking Faux pas to a whole new level.

When being pregnant at your prom isn't embarrassing enough.





Yes this is, in fact, a REAL prom dress.

Ideal for the most desperate attention-seekers.







The Pink Nightmare.

Or is that fuschia...?

Not that it matters. We're too busy looking through it to care.





I stand corrected... THIS is a Pink Nightmare.

She looks like the rejected feather duster from the Swiffer commercials.





Looks like someone raided Shania Twains closet...





This blogger does not condone muppet murder for the sake of your disastrous prom fashions.





This looks like a cheap, horrifying attempt at replicating Halle Berry's risky Red Carpet fashion.

The bedazzled bow-flowers with the tassels hanging from the boobs adds that extra touch of class.





You can't talk unfortunate fashion, especially prom dresses, without the 80s getting an honorable mention.

How cute, her hairdon't matches her shoulder poofs.





Feel free to comment with your own examples :)